Oh, her. That was my initial reaction when I googled 21-year-old fashion, beauty, and lifestyle blogger Kristina Bazan of Switzerland-based Kayture.com. I recognized her doll-like face from my Instagram Popular page. My visceral reaction was like, “I wish I had super loaded parents like hers.”
Step 1: Pose for a picture with an existing Instagram star - and tag her.
Chiarra Ferragni and friend.
Then I had to remind myself that Kristina was a successful blogger hawking a carefully curated storybook with a whole team behind her. Her boyfriend and manager, James Chardon, has been an integral part of her enterprise since it launched in 2011. (Yes, he was that kind of behind-the-blogger boyfriend that took all of his girlfriend’s pictures.) Initially I had nothing to say about Kristina Bazan, except that she reminded me of a Swiss Chiara Ferragni, which is even more boring than the real Chiara Ferragni (Note: Chiara and her then-boyfriend started TheBlondeSalad.com in 2009). Looking at her pictures was tiring, a game of Name-That-Sponsor, brought to you by Chopard, Dior, and Louis Vuitton. Don’t forget the absolutely necessary Cartier Love bracelet and Valentino Rockstud pumps. The world she presents is one of beautifully plated breakfasts and lunches where photogenic avocados and rainbow macarons are putatively ingested. I almost died from luxe basic-ness.
A friend speculated, “Kristina must have been filthy rich to begin with.” I started getting strong Olivia Palermo vibes. In 2007, New York Magazine quoted Olivia as saying, “I may be a young girl,” she said. “But behind every young girl is a powerful father.” Hmmm. But Olivia’s father, the man who hired top publicists and lawyers for his precious spawn, turned out to be a bankrupt fraud. So what’s up with Kristina Bazan? Is she also living out of daddy’s pocket or is it all a dream?
Step 2: Make your captions sound super accessible.
Case in point: Kristina’s very first outfit on Kayture.com with a Mulberry Alexa. “When a friend of mine offered me this bag which she brought me from London, I nearly exploded :).” Hey, we all have to start somewhere.
“It’s my personal choice to show and share only positive things with you even if I know that struggles can inspire and help as well,” wrote Kristina when Kayture.com turned three.
Avocados! Avocados for everyone! @kristina_bazan
And to that, I quote Morgan Stewart on The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, “I don't trust people whose Instagrams are always beautiful. You need to have a day off.”
Suspicions aside, I went even further into Kristina’s soul. “I do not come from a super wealthy family,” she divulged. Seriously, this is the part where I want to fall asleep after I congratulate the slick machinery behind her.
Step 3: Even when you get famous, still be close enough to touch.
Kristina with her fans.
If there’s one thing I learned about Katrina, I mean, Kristina Bazan (I keep typing "Kristina" as "Katrina"), it’s that she really wants to be a star. The more I know about her, the less passionately I feel abut her. Like I want to hate her, but there’s really nothing new to find offensive to one’s sensibilities. She competed in the Miss Switzerland pageant in 2011 and is currently working on her singing career. For every successful Kristina Bazan story, there are a million failed wannabe fashion bloggers and their willing male companions.
Blogs are a tried and tested vehicle to second, third, or fourth careers. Kristina is happy to take you on her journey while you gawk with envy. In an entry ominously titled “Just Like The Movies,” she penned, “I want to share with you an even bigger part of my life… Just like a movie.” This girl would be way cooler if she came out of Kris Jenner’s womb. What Kristina does isn’t real life, but she’s painfully transparent about it. It kind of defeats the purpose, like watching porn with condoms.
Step 4: Teach them your ways.
Kristina showing us what a macaron is really about: “And when you pay so much and wait that long, you need your picture to look perfect. And you definitely keep the box.”
(As an aside, Kayture.com is host to grammatical and spelling errors from time to time. I’m not sure if English is even the second language of the Belarus-born Bazan, but someone needs to tell the ghostwriter on her team to do a better job, unless endearing mistakes are part of the package.)
Step 5: Don't forget to pose with an animal... of color.
Just another regular day with a purple poodle.
I don’t want to be the bitch that kills Kristina’s vibe, it’s just that I’m simply not buying it. I’m not part of her market, the mob of faceless 1.2 million Instagram followers. What I want to know is what those girls are like, the ones who want all that shiny and formulated fallaciousness. The kind of good time she’s acting out is so detached from my idea of a live well lived. Yeah I like clothes, I like slapping my face with makeup, but the best part is when I go spill whiskey all over myself. Come on, Kristina, nary a hair is out of place!
Images via kayture.com and @kristina_bazan